Art Diary
People say Asian culture is respectful and it operates on respect. It does but it’s completely different from the western form of respect, especially the kind I often operate on. The kind of underground sensibility, alternative, creative, give-props-to kind of respect. As in. Respect for trying to do something different and live your life right in a market driven, materialistic, money orientated world. Respect for doing your own thing and respect for creating something that has not been. Or just respect coz i like you as a person.
And every so often I truly lose my sense of balance and feel like my face is grazed on concrete when I forget that asian concept of respect is not that. In fact there is not respect given, it’s respect expected because you are a lesser person than the other party because 1) Age 2) Position 3) Wealth 4) Affiliated with some big name of any kind.
I just by existing as a person is not worthy of respect.
I must have some if not all of those four things OVER the other person in order to be given any.
In my life We just give each other respect because we are people and human and have to deal with each other and it’s just a nicer atmosphere at any given time.
I am not used to having someone just decide things, not listen to me, order me around, and demand information. I surely don’t end up giving that person any face even if I know that under this set of cultural paradigms I am supposed to no matter how badly I have been treated because speaking up and out or letting it be known you are not particularly pleased is simply a foreign concept. I feel like this ALL the time in Asia. I feel like this most often when I deal with art organizations or cultural organizations or political organizations. because somewhere in the minds of those who are in it, they feel that they are really special and I should work really hard to please them. In my mind, I think they are interesting organizations that I am happy to help build because I am a nice person. I should be treated with respect because i am part of a cause or a scene and we are all trying to build something together.
But that’s truly not how they think. They think they have power and I am nobody.
They can not reply emails. Never thank you. I have been screamed at. Been sent stupid self aggrandizing emails worth pages of psychoanalysis. Been asked to do things and never ever been told they have cancelled.
The list goes on.
And although it drives me completely insane and I think, "I don’t understand this." After a while I know it’s just an asian cultural thing. That I was lucky enough to be raised in environment that not only encouraged but demanded self-esteem, that I was told that i was worthy of something just by existing and being able to live up to my own expectations. That personal responsibility is more important than pleasing someone who is seemingly in a higer position of some kind even if they don’t have any actual real power over me.
For a lot of times my life i don’t come across this as much and practically never as I pretty much decided to work in my own space and create my own group of people who I also respect and can learn from. I simply don’t allow egos in my life and my only goal is to achieve my own idea of beauty and put it out in the world. If people see it and like it great. If they don’t fine, but I decided a while back I am not going to try and get in with any group, play any games, just so I can be included coz it just takes too much time and that takes away from my work.
But I can’t say its not frustrating because I see how much more needs to be done for the cultural/political/artistic infrastructure to grow in this part of the world but the way they are going about it simply alienates a lot of people who can help. I see it over and over again, I hear the same stories over and over again. And it’s really hard because the people who are unwilling to be treated without respect are often the people who have the right to it especially because they know they have worked hard and have something to offer. But really maybe I should thank them coz some of the best people I am working with share that experience and it makes us all want to work together just that little bit more.
And as Tim said in the comment box: it’s painful for me "when the obsession with form/hierarchy gets in the way of the actual mission of an organization."
But still i feel really unhappy about all of it right now, coz i just feel like I again tried to do something and again I am met with the same response and I feel mad at myself for being naive or optimistic enough each time to forget how i felt last time.
But trying very hard to look at it on the bright side. That I won’t work for any group I don’t like means they never get any of my credit and i have all the extra time to build what I hope to have. And what I truly would like to see, and i try so hard to do is that I never treat anybody that way I have been treated, that I hope through the people I know we can grow something new and worthy, in a space where the individuals I work with know they mean something, have the ability, and can achieve their dreams. And sometimes on days like this, reminds myself of a committement i made to help along some young artists so they can grow into their own, and through some of the experiences they in turn will help out others in the future, that way we can subvert the crappy organizations out there all together and render them as irrelevant as I feel they actually are and see some great work come out of it.
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mural is posponed for a week due to bad weather both in terms of it’s stupid to paint if it gets rained on and that the wall is waterlogged so all the other layers of paint needs to be stripped away before I can get to it. It’s kinda cool to get given a brand new wall as i feel this is the start of something brand new for myself as well. Just that I am getting work out there and that I feel confident enough to put something out there for my peers to see and critique.
There were truly times in the last weeks that I thought I had it over my head and then I realized this is not the case at all.
Yan Sham-Shackleton Online 
Yan,
I feel you on this. I know how to do the ‘asian respect’ thing as you term it, but like you I don’t always like it. The hierarchy thing always irritates me, especially when the obsession with form/hierarchy gets in the way of the actual mission of an organization.
Yet there are times when I am strangely comforted by the existence of a hierarchy, and my own place within it. Paradoxical I know.
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Forgive me, I’m sure you’ve heard this before. As an introverted type of character, I’m simply amazed that you are able to post your inner thoughts on the Internet for all to read.
Respect.
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Maybe I am just an exhibitionist?? π
Actually no. I thought about this for a time and still continue to contemplate this. Why put it into the public domain? At first because I didn’t think anyone would read it, but they did. I talked to a jouralist about it once, and he said obviously what i say has some relevance and people want to read, so allow that to be.
I used to write poetry because I wanted to convey a feeling or a thought to people as an experience, turned out I wasn’t the best poet, but whatever it is I am doing in this blog thing seems to achieve that. Why not continue?
Every so often I get an email from someone who says, “That really helped me.” So I keep going.
And it forces me to try a little harder when I write things otherwise its just slush.
Yan
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All living things are basically problem solvers and resource extracters, this is determined by evolution. As humans we have solved the problem of cooperating in ever larger groups. This is our competitive advantage and the raison d’etat of culture. Heirarchy and structure are tools we use as our groups get larger. Nature doesn’t care if we are happy, only that we expand to fill the space available. Depressing huh?
Compared to me you’re an exhibitionist, but then I’m just a faceless poster. What part of this process do you feel gives you the most fulfillment?
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I wonder if this has something to do with the fact that psychologically we consider people who are older, male, taller and have a deeper voice to have more authority?
eh…
I think what I’m really trying to say is…
Respect my authoritah! π
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Hmm, where to begin? First off, I know what you mean about being a different person in different countries. I’m split between the UK(where I live) and Cape Town(where I’m from). Part of it is the different roles: working life in one, family & holiday in the other. I talk differently, think differently, behave differently. I also experience this in the US for some reason, I feel I’m on holiday there even when I’m working damn hard.
I think the chord that your blog strikes with me is that you are a person who is interested in making sense of the world in which she exists. The fact that you revisit past themes, have an ongoing debate about ideas, self evaluate and live an intellectual life. Yes, the honesty is part of that although the tone is more rant and less joy and I’d like to believe that you’re having a better time of it than your postings suggest π
Politics, definitely interested in politics. In fact, and I wasn’t going to bring this up as it deserves a bigger exposition than this, I feel there are many parallels between the situation in China vis a vis democracy and human rights, and my country towards the end of apartheid. The repression, the media control, the blinkered nationalist thinking of the people, blind support for the status quo, saying to outsiders “But you don’t understand the situation here” all things we experienced, in contrast to the open thinking and forward looking society that we are developing (with hiccups) today. The key is that we couldn’t imagine what the future would be past the transition. It took the end of the Cold War for that to happen.
BTW in case it appears from the above passage that I am speaking with assumed knowledge, I have travelled through China many times and have lived with a Chinese family for a short time and speak enough Mandarin to get by.
As someone who has also battled depression, I was also interested in that section, although that’s pretty personal.
I think there’s more but that’s enough for now. Basically I guess I just feel that you’re one of the few people that I could have a meaningful conversation with. Pretty simple really.
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Authority is a concept I’ll never get my head around. I don’t feel the need to follow anyone, how can I expect others to follow me? Respect must be earned, but you have to be able to function within society as you find it. That means having to act respectful if it’s expected, not because you mean it? Oh well …
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harald you forgot white… come on, admit it, you were DYING to put it down. Anyway, you’re not older than me… I am pretty sure!
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Rob.
I absolutely agree with the parallel with China and South Africa, in each places where there is intense control placed one people there is a gain involved, and currently the communist party surely treats a lot of people in China much like the whites treated the blacks in South Africa.
“You don’t understand it here.” Is about the biggest bullshit of a sentence uttered and I am glad you said that because next time someone says that about China, I will happily say, “That’s what people in South Africa said about Apartheid.” π
Re: Rant.
No really I have a fabulous time. I am having a great time really. Now you mention it I really should write about the happier things in my life but they are all really mudane. Or at least not thought provoking, and in fact I think most people around me are about so sick of me going, “You know, I am really happy lately. blah blah blah.” So i don’t really like to write about it… I do sometimes and then I don’t post it. Okay. Now you have inspired to do that a bit and for a while.
Thanks.
I am down to have a meaningful conversation anytime… We used to have loads of those on Glutter, Tom, Harald and a guy called Finn, plus Mike, and a few other people used to have these like 50 comments debates and conversations.
It was a time when we all had a lot more time on our hands. It was quite a fun collective slacking experience.
yan
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We did have some good debates here. And you’re spot on about not having much time anymore, of course. π
Haven’t seen a comment from Finn in a long time, now.
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Actually it was a LOT of fun slacking experience. π
Finn got sick of writing his blog. He said, “I felt like I was shouting in an empty room and no one was listenning.” I told him that was BS coz I was always wandering around his empty room and making daft comments. And anyway I still think there is a joy to an empty room. The amount of times I write these posts and NEVER post them. I just did one as well. It was okay before. I felt like I knew who was reading it, and now who knows. It is a bit scary to feel there isn’t a community here but a lot of lurkers…. but that has something to do with not being able to pay as much attention.
you know the amount of times I read your comments Tom, and go, “Hmmm. I want to reply but I don’t have time, and soon I forgot all about it, you know?”
Well… this is a good start? No?
yan
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I am going to write to finn and tell him I miss him. How lame could I get? But I do. We used to talk every day didn’t we all? Well, I talked, you guys went at each other’s throat and occassionally ganged up on some poor unsuspecting kid and ate them up alive. It was always bloody….
π
Yan
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Tom, I just wrote to him. You know I worked out what it was, why it was so good and i would want to come back to Glutter like every two minutes to see who had come by. Tom you have a big personality and just so sure of what you had to say, Finn did, Harald did, Nevin did, Erica and I. Just big big personalities with big big characters and we all sorta believed in the same things but had our own opinions about everything, and we just sorta grazed at each person differently and just had all these different thoughts coming at each other. Plus none of us ever took anything personally, so it was really lively. Like none of you would get upset at each other or anything… although it would be destroying someone’s point in the most minute detail. It was like sitting in my imaginary french cafe watching those big European thinkers have debates after the war. Big guys with big voices, bigging each other.
ha! I don’t know. It was a good group. Like I don’t really want to argue with you, coz it’s like “Oh, here is Tom and I disgreeing kinda. ” and most of the time I am like, “Yeah. You’re right.” And of course when I want to write a page i don’t have time anyway. (I don’t right now either but to hell with it).
But you would get into those debates with the other guys. Whao.. like a soap opera. Now I watch desperate housewives instead.
I hope you are well. I really don’t talk to you enough dude.
Hearts
Yan
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Some of those debates got relatively white-hot with emotion, but we always seemed to maintain a core respect, and we didn’t seem to carry grudges. It was a great multinational group.
The crowd seems to have changed somewhat. Esp during the time glutter was being voted upon at Reporters sans Frontieres, all sorts of folks seemed to be commenting. Problem was, none of those folks had a sense of what glutter was all about. They apparently thought it was simply a mouthpiece for the democracy movement in HK. And your posts seemed to reflect that for a while, until you recently “took back” the blog for more personal use.
And I’m so very happy about that. Most weren’t aware of how much your personality could reflect through glutter; and they were missing the best part. Blogs are such a fascinating medium. The odds are one in about ten billion that I ever would have met you, and now, after a few years of reading your blog and commenting and an occasional email, I consider you a friend. Pretty cool.
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Yeah… it is cool. I definately made friend (and enermies!!) through this. Oh my. I met one of those guys you know. Not the really mean one but another, I nearly died laughing. He was soooo sooo exactly what I imagined him to be. A weedy lame guy who lacked social skills and just was not good looking or nice or friendly. Zero sex appeal. Squeaky voice. Argh….. I was looking at him like, “you are kidding me, you expect me to talk to you?” He pretended he didn’t know. What a loser. If he wasn’t friends with my friend i would have let him had it. Anyway, the best part was before I did know who he was, it took be about 30 seconds to think he was a bastard with issues. So yeah. Personalities sure come across as they are. And you like or dislike people with similar reactions to them as the blog.
Yeah.. the commenters tend to be a bit different now. it used to be more friendly, more equal in footing like who was I? Some kid with a blog, like anyone else. Then I think if you read about someone in a mag, it’s more like, “someone,” so people talk differently. Anyway we were all younger you know?
I think we’re all in our 30s now? I am anyway. It’s a different kind of existence I think.
regarding the blogging medium. I find it fascinating too, coz unlike a novel or a memoir or any kind of book the process is immediate. It takes time to “write a blog,” over all but if I add this and that here every day, in the end a picture of a life will emerge. I hope to do this for like years and years. All my life, so I can go through different stages and have a record of it. One day I will finally get around to do my MFA, hopefully be a professor, do more art, marry and have kids, watch them grow, and that will make me change as well. And like it would be amazing to have a record of that through time….. in the same “Place,” same medium. That’s never really happenned before. This technology thing has given a new form of written record. A mixture of the private the public. Before it was either of right?
And to me that’s more interesting than politics…I am a bit bored with it actually. Its the same thing. I don’t think it’s a continuous growth. It comes in spurts and the democratic movement is all I am interested in. I mean, if I had to continually do that, I would start having to talk about the trade council or something. And boy do I think it’s weird people get their news from blogs. Every heard of a News paper or a wire?? Ha!
Anyway, it’s good to “take back” the blog and blab whatever I want. it’s more fun that way.
talk soon
Yan
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Good philosophy. If you can’t blab in your own blog, where can you? At least yelling in an empty room is better than just yelling in one’s own head (empty or not).
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Hi Yan
I see the thread has gone in an entirely different direction. BTW I’m in my (early) thirties too!:) I had a discussion with my physio the other day about how cool it was being this age, the only drawback being more sports injuries.
I think the SA-China comparison is maybe a bit more detailed than that. I think it is important to remind Chinese people that they are not facing challenges that have not been faced elsewhere in the world, and overcome. I wrote a long piece on this but deleted it ‘cos this is a discussion rather than a lecture.
Also after reading some of the stuff above, I think I’ll tread cautiously on this site. I’m not sure what kind of mental picture I’m creating yet π actually I’m more π (da bi zi).
Have a cool weekend.
Rob
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Oh don’t worry. You don’t come of that way now and you won’t at anytime. To do that you must come on this blog, accuse someone I don’t know for stalking someone else I don’t know. So then I have to contact both those people who i don’t know to say, “I am sorry but I think this is between the two of you.” then wrote him a letter to say “Please go away.” Then he decides to instigate a huge flame war and get ALL his online friend who I also don’t know to attack me. For DAYS. Not to mention I was really sick with depression at the time. He and all his 30 to 40 year old friend were picking on a 20 something year old girl who was sick in bed.
You know what? I shouldn’t talk about it because everytime I think about it. I hope he and all his friends rot in hell for that.
So don’t worry. you will NEVER come of as badly as him and nor will anyone else again in my life.
Yan
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And I will always always be grateful for Finn, and Tom and Mike and Harald, and Nevin, and Someone for sorta sticking around and being there and making this a good place again. I think they did it partly because they were so horrified with what they saw, they came back to make sure it was all okay. There were other people too.. but those guys stuck around the longest and defended me the most.
Ah.. how funny. You really brought up a lot of things why this place was a pretty special place for me and why I can’t see myself shutting it down ever. Just coz I have good memories of how great some people you meet on the net are, and I also learned a very good lesson in life. There are bad people, and there are evil people in the world and not until i was 29 I really understood or accepted that.
Peace!
Yan
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YOu know, you can sue that guy. But youu’re not like that…better keep on being an artist.
it’s a great world, even when it’s raining.
ick, why it rain so much??
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Because this way, “all these moments will be lost, like tears in rain”.
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Which I get why I have Glutter, coz I am a obssesive about recording things down. i want to remember…
π
Yes, i am starting to go crazy with this rain. I really can’t deal with it any longer….
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I don’t remember anything about white from that psych class. Maybe it’s more of an issue where you live…
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