My Disappearing City and What I am really afraid of.

Awaiting a Democratic Hong Kong

When I first started Glutter, I was afraid people thought I was crazy because I wanted Hong Kong to be democratic. I felt Hong Kong people deserved democracy. I thought it would take away from the important things I had to say about free speech and rule of law and diminish my point of view. I was wrong.

Tomorrow I have an interview with Cable news Channel One, ostensibly about blogging and Hong Kong, but I was invited because of my nomination for the “Freedom Blog Awards.”

For the last eight hours I have been under this immense strain. I am so nervous that I know I am making myself sick. I thought I was afraid because I could not answer the questions in Chinese. I could not express myself about democracy, human rights, freedom of expression, freedom of press and rule of law fluently.

My friend who I asked to do some practice interviews with me reminded that I will get my point across. I know these topics well enough to withstand a 15 minute interview and be fine. She reminded me I speak Cantonese everyday now, and very close to fluent. I am not where I was at in 1998, and I know she is right.

So maybe that’s not what I am nervous. Maybe that’s not why I am distressed. Maybe something else is bothering me. And I tried really hard to work out what it was.

And I realized, it’s because I have been asked “Why do you do Glutter?” “And who are you writing for?”

And for the first time I have had to verbalize these thoughts out in the open and although I might have practiced saying the surface reasons of doing it, or the reasons I started doing it, I haven’t ever told anyone about why I do it now.

I do it now because I am afraid.

I am afraid that China is going to take us over. I am afraid that we will lose everything, the Basic Law, the freedom of speech, the freedom to gather. I am afraid that Hong Kong will no longer be under the rule of law. And deep down I think that is what is going to happen. I fight for democracy because it’s our last hope for an autonomous city, a place where we are given by birth the right to think what we want.

I no longer think we will win.

I think it’s all going to disappear. I think Hong Kong is going to go away. I think my home city will be gone in less that 42 years and be subsumed by the Communist Government. In my life time Hong Kong as I know it will no longer exist. The infrastructure will, the people will but the spirit of a free city will be gone forever.

And I do Glutter everyday because I don’t want to forget. I don’t want other people to forget what it was like to be here at this time and how a group of people really did believe in a free Chinese government and really tried to keep this place as it is.

I do it because I want a record of the fight, each small step, each small protest, each small try because I fear it might not be here anymore in the future. I fear it might just get wiped out of Chinese history the same way the 1989 democratic movement got wiped out of history. And I just want the record for myself, so I can say to my kids and grandkids. We really tried. I really tried. I didn’t do much, but I wrote about it everyday.

Because I am not sure what happened to people in East Berlin will not happen here. One day when people woke up, they found themselves under a full blown communist regime. It will happen gradually in Hong Kong, but I can’t say for sure it won’t occur anymore.

And I am scared and stressed because I don’t think I can say that on the interview because I think people will think I am crazy to think that. That by saying and thinking this will diminish all the other important things I have to say that isn’t so extreme, so negative, so defeatist. So deathly afraid.

I want to say tomorrow on TV. I do Glutter because I am scared that if I don’t write it down, in years to come I won’t be able to tell anyone what happened in these few years in Hong Kong, who was important, who should be remembered and what we did. I would not be able to tell the story anymore because I forgot, because I don’t want to think about it, because it’s too painful to remember. And I do Glutter because I want to implore people to care because if we don’t now, the basics we have: free speech, freedom of expression, human rights, rule of law, might not be here in the future.

Maybe what I need to do is tell the truth tomorrow. Maybe people won’t think I am crazy. Maybe people might realize that there is a reason for us to still fight, still care, still think about freedom of speech, freedom of press, the right to gather, human rights, and rule of law, even if we might not get to keep all of it.

Maybe more people will believe being democratic is the only way.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow when the camera rolls. I don’t know what will happen in Hong Kong’s future.

But maybe I need to tell the truth of why I continue to do Glutter. even if people might think I am wrong, crazy or arrogant. I was wrong about that once, so maybe I will be wrong again about this. But even if I am right about this, maybe I should still try and tell the truth otherwise maybe somewhere in my face people will see that I feel pained by what I am saying, that they may detect a level of insecurity. Maybe I should just tell the truth.

I think that might be the best I can do. It might not be a lot. But I can at least say “I tried really hard, to the best of my abilities and I took the risk of looking like a fool, because I really believed in the cause even if I wasn’t always right."

I don’t know what is best. But I guess i will just have to let the future unfold by itself.

Wish me luck. I really feel like I need it tonight.

—

It all turned out more than fine. In fact I sounded more sane than I could ever imagine. And as I was saying it, I realized even if what I was talking about isn’t said everyday in real life, hundreds of people, some whom are elected members of our non-univesal Legco have said the same thing as me when it comes to Television. I am in more than honourable company. (Although it is true that some people think they are arrogant, crazy and foolish, but i am not one of them.)

These are the thoughts I had during and after the interview: Authority of the Media, and why it needs to remain free.