Limbo Land

I am in limbo land. Emotionally and Physically at the same time. It’s like a giant station of passing people leaving something behind and moving to something new. The announcements are saying “SQ008 to Frankfurt” “CX354 to Mumbia” the signsn are in English, Chinese, Japanese, telling me where the gates are, the bathroom is. I know this airport well because I come here for a few hours often. but it’s like all airports in the world. It is quiet. it is quiet because hearts and beating in the ears of everyone louder than what they can say. People have just left behind something, going to start something new, pick up things, when you are travelling this is the time to think about the things that you just left and the maybes of what will come next. What will it be like? How are they? Will they be okay? I can’t wait to get home? I will miss them? Will I be okay? What next?

I hate airports and I love them at the same time. This week, 10 of my friends will be flying out of Hong Kong, some will come back, some will not, one might or might not. My life has always been a series of hellos and goodbyes. I was born into this. To me it’s not glomourous, or special or anything but how life is. That is all I know. I wonder a lot what it would be like to have stability. To not wake up one day and have everyone around you change because slowly slowly through attrition people go and people leave, and sometimes you go and you leave and everything you love seems far behind. I think it would be nice to live like that. To have everyone in one place. To have your friends here, your family here, the man you want to fall in love with you here. So you can do all the maybes or at least work towards going to see a ballet, to go camping, to go diving. At least see if it would be fun rather than think it might be fun if you maybe can.

I am in Limbo land. For the time I am away, someone might leave and I will never see him again. I might for a few days when I visit, I might be able to talk to him on the phone a few times, but those things just make the reality easier. Which is, we will never know. I have been here before. We have our lives to live, we have things we need to do and the world is a big big place with the next adventure of page 47 and sometimes we have to pick them because it just might.. and what is a really scary feeling is that part of my emotional life is now 100% in the hands of someone else. I have no say, and the decision is not mine and I barely factor in it because it’s about lives piorities, about what is the better bet, about what one has to sacrifice. So where I am a lamb or a roast or a virgin to be thrown into a volcano that act will be out of my hands. It’s odd. At this moment, when we are least together, we are most tied. He is most responsible to what I will feel. And the decision that is made is about something other than me but it’s me that will feel it the most. Some sort of cross wired, the degrees separation to my sleep pattern.

I told him as I got on the plane that the next 18 hours I was going to miss him like crazy, it was the time where I was going to mourn the whole thing. I set this time aside to do so. And the reason is so clear at this moment. Not because there is nothing to do. Not because there is a plane, lots of hours, and another plane. It’s because seldom in life does your physical surroundings mirror your internal. Here I am in a place where everyone is on the way somewhere else. The transfer loungue in the Singapore Airport. Everyone around me has just left some where and on the way to somewhere else. We are all waiting.