Glutter's Hong Kong
I have been really disillusioned by the whole democratic movement after the march in July. The march didn't empower me or educate me in anyway. It didn't seem to have a real point. I seemed to be walking like I am always walking for a goal that is diminishing all the time. I didn't learn one new thing because there wasn't really anyone talking. There were a lot of really smart people there who showed their face but since I was moving along as I marched I never had the time to truly know what they were saying. No one was really making speeches, as they realized everyone was just passing through. I just thought it was really hot and found all the fund raising by different parties and causes to be extremely tiring.
I mean, really ever since Hao Wu was put in jail. I felt a lost of interest in speaking out. Not so much because it scared me, as we were on the same panel on the same side but because really, spending all that time getting him out was a futile exercise, he landed himself there all by himself. Not because he wasn't released eventually, but I kept thinking of all the different people who were in jail at this time who didn't have a load of foreign friends to fight for his cause. Who didn't go to the US for schooling and didn't have American permanent residency. Not to mention, what about all the people he put in jail? He said, "I am doing interviews with free speech activists for my documentary," on a BBC World Service. Yes, the Chinese government is listening. When he said it, I just wanted to scream, "What are you doing? You just landed a whole lot of people in trouble." I should have. I was part of the panel, I was on the other line. I could have pointed it out to millions of people who were listening that’s what he did, he was showing off completely irresponsibility, and much like China itself, and all over the world, who you know matters most. I know saying it at that moment it would never have changed the outcome, at least I feel better about myself. I don’t know why I stayed quiet. I guess attacking another guest would be rude, I thought the moderator would mention something. He didn’t, radio goes quickly, a minute is long, and by the time I gathered my thoughts, we were onto another topic.
I have no doubt the government got all his tapes, and now those people are in jail. And those people will stay there because of his indiscretion and because they don't have foreign contacts. And although fighting for him was a good cause, and I appreciate people for doing it. I wanted no part in it. Except my blog got quoted in an article about how bloggers helped him be released. No fault of the journalist, she did her job, but really I wished I wasn't mentioned because I don't really forgive people who play with fire when it burns others. And I am sorta not so sure who I am trying to save anymore. I am not sure that each new "dissident" deserves to be mentioned, that the people who spent days and hours lobbying truly understand the situation in China, and what is all means. I am not sure if I do myself. In fact no one does, China is huge, and the inners workings of the government is not transparent, not even to those within it. I find a lot of people I talk to, seem more invested in June 4th and the kids who died in Tianamen square than the freedom for themselves and a billion people. They clutch at their hearts the death of a few because it's an emotional memory and not a political cause.
There are days when I still believe, I talked to someone who was really appreciative of the work I did, and how he said he could never do it because he has so much business interests in China. At those moments I think I should continue because I know he would if he could and I can. But then there are days where I think, I have choices. I can and will leave. I don't have to look at China or be part of China, or care about China. I can go windsurfing all weekend instead. In fact I get a lot more satisfaction and joy out of it. I meet equally interesting people and learn a new skill and find out what I am made off in the open waters.
And the beauty of it all is that I can, I don't feel so invested in the political situation anymore. There is no one who tells me I have to, nor do I have to listen. I know some people have told me it's a shame, while others said I should do what feels right. Most of all I know what I did do, and I am pretty proud. I am glad I did what I did, and I more than astounded by the results.
I always saw the blog as a journey. It used it as something I was looking for, and then in the last few months I started to look for something new. Something more personal, more physical, more connected to real life. There is nothing more real than doing an hour and a half of yoga, or hitting a ball against the wall. There is nothing esoteric about the sweat and the fatigue. Nothing unpredictable about the changes of my body. There is something so nice about being able to sleep.
But I suppose that's the nice thing about this blog. It's always been mine. I do what I please. If tomorrow I start writing about politics again, I can. If I don't want to, I don't have to. I thought about it on and off for a few months now, even considering closing it down and starting something new. But more importantly, it's 2am. I am off to sleep.
Yan Sham-Shackleton Online 