Letter to the Void: Tuesday 22nd 2005
This is the view from my roof. It’s very similar to the view of my bedroom. The fog horn is blowing tonight. The air is wet, the walls feel sticky, I am about to move to a new apartment, one where I will have studio space. I really like this 18B, it’s been my home for nearly as long as I have been back to Hong Kong. About to be six years. I seem to have changed a lot although I try to keep the positive, idealistic, and artistic self I once was in California. I don’t know if I was happy there but I felt free.
I felt free in ways that I can’t describe to my friends who are Hong
Kong Ren and haven’t lived abroad. I wish I could explain how it
feels to suddenly realize that maybe all those rules and culture of
shame, all the head bowing, and expectations suddenly get strewn away
and you can keep your head high and look people in the eye. What I
really want is to be able to live that way in this city. Not always
feel like I am over looking my back because I don’t understand the
rules or find them to be utterly constraining. In fact think it’s a joke
and we should all just move on from the strictures that have been
passed down from generation to generation. The thing that makes people
look down when you talk to them, the thing that makes people apologize in the hopes
the problem will go away instead of find a solution. The thing that
makes our government lie through their teeth instead of just taking a
breath and say the truth because we as individuals matter less then the
concept of power.
I sat last week listening to a friend of mine lecture me about who I
should get married to. How I should look for a man, and what I should
expect. I wanted to tell her to shut the hell up and get something
better to talk about then my personal life. But I knew that she doesn’t
actually realize how ridiculous she sounds to me because she is saying
everything that this culture prescribes and she is only lecturing me
because she cares. I wish she could get a life outside of how to make
everyone think just the same. In the past when I tell her that I don’t
agree and point out that maybe I want something different and that my
priorities are something else. She always goes to “You don’t understand
Hong Kong people.”
That’s not true. I understand them, that is the truth. I do. I say I
don’t but I do. Don’t move and no one will notice you. Stay exactly
like everyone else so no one makes fun of you. Don’t do anything that
causes trouble because it will give yourself and your family trouble.
Shut up and work and pass one’s life in the least painful way possible
because life sucks and that’s our lot. Make a lot of money so when the
bad things happen you have something to fall back on. In the meantime
buy yourself some status symbols and pretend you have power.
Do you know anywhere else in the world where girls who earn $5000 a
month, will buy a LV bag for $4000? And I mean normal girls, everyday
sales girls, not extraordinarily weird girls. Girls you see everyday,
and walk down the street past everyday. They are not the majority but
they are not at all uncommon. I stood watching a woman put mascara on
herself for ten minutes straight in a mall, one strand by one strand.
And I cruelly thought, if I went up to her and said, “I think you are
ugly,” her whole self esteem would collapse right in front of me and
there would be nothing left of her for a very long time. Then I even
more evilly thought, she would probably buy a more expensive bag to
compensate.
I know I am leaving. This time next year I will be living in
Australia or California or at the very least with a plane ticket in
hand. I will be speaking English everyday. I will look people in the
eye when I talk to them. I will not have to listen to the shop lady
lecture me on why I should eat more, the guy at the laundry comment
why do I wear clothes like a boy and I might even know the person in the
coffee shop I go to three times a week by name. He or she might even tell me
a little bit about themselves and they will probably know I lived in
Hong Kong. That I am studying fine arts and hopes I can teach it in a
university setting as I find ways to fund
myself in creating pieces I want.
I will be back in a world that it’s perfectly valid to feel I am too
busy, my life is too much in flux, that I am not ready to be in a
committed relationship and that even though I would like to, it’s not
really a priority in my life to buy a house, have kids, and spend my
days worrying if my kids get straight As. They surely won’t call me
irresponsible. My bank manager will not act like I am the most
un-filial person in the universe when I said I currently don’t need to
buy life insurance that would compensate my parents if I die tomorrow.
Not because I don’t care about my parents but because they have made
their own plans. I will not have to shake my head and say, “Look,
really. I have talked to them about it, and they said it’s not
important.” And he will not have the galls to say, “But in your heart,
don’t you feel like you should leave something for them?”
Mainly the truth is, a lot of the things that I have to put up with
here will simply fade away as I get further and further away from
Chinese culture. In effect, I will regain my personal freedoms. And the
way I dress, speak, stand, act, think will not be the property of the
societal watch dogs of everyday and firmly be placed back into the
sphere of private and have every right to say, “You know what? It’s
none of your business how I live my life.” And those words will not
shatter people the way it does here, as they truly see it as a
rejection of who they are and their concern they have of me. I will not
be in a place where knowing what is best for me is an act of extreme
selfishness and an inability to listen. It is an act of adulthood.
But that picture of the city is why I stayed. How can I not love
looking at that outside your window every night? It still takes my
breath away every night. Even if I have lived here for six years and
for the majority of 18 years before that. When I am away, all I do is
miss the lights. I sometimes look out a window and get sad when I am
away because all I am looking at is across the street and not over the
most impressive skyline every created. New York is nice, but there is
nothing like standing on whatever rooftop I happen to be at in the area
I grew up in. It’s an irony. I have lived in so many places,
but remain practically within a three mile block when it comes to HK. I
can literally see two of my bedroom windows from my current place, and
in the new one I live 60 seconds walk north from the place i lived as a baby and 60 seconds
walk from one south to the one I lived in as a teenager. I live on the same streets my parents grew up, and
where my grandparents spent a lot of their lives.
But they have all moved. To Australia, to America. Away from the
repressive nature of our culture and politics. From a place where the
government officials will sell their own people out with a blink of the
eye for greed or power, or the innate belief that greed and power is
right.
Elise Leung, Alan Hoo, Donald Tsang.
Was there a moment in your
lives that you believed in something ideal? Fair? Was there a moment
you ever believed in Hong Kong, and its people? That we had something
to say and it was as valid as those in power of Britain of China? That
maybe the people who share your home, and life, the people who cook
your food, and sweep your streets, the people who writes your papers,
and make the electricity has something of validity to say? That we
might not be as inferior in intellect and world experience as you act
as if we do. And even if you think taxi drivers or people at
MacDonald’s won’t understand, that you can be wrong? And even if you
remain the superior aggrandizing selves that you are. I think and I
believe that I and my friends, and a lot of people I deal with everyday
can easily stand up to you in terms of knowledge, thought and
experience. I think I can look you in the eye and tell that you are
wrong.
But in so many ways, I can’t look them in the eye. Not because I
feel that they are so important that I should avert them but beacause I
feel so betrayed by them, so disgusted at their deceit, lies and double
speak. So frightened that if I looked at them, that I would realize
that it’s not that they are under pressure but that they think that way.
So I let them lead by moving away. Not because I want them to lead,
but because I don’t have a choice. And I don’t want people like that to
be my leaders. I elect for myself to look away. I don’t want to
stop looking at the lights. But I want to start looking at the
mirror and know that it is me. My thoughts, my self, my body, my space.
That I own it completely, as much as a person could.
Yan Sham-Shackleton Online 
Beautiful. Which adjective doesn’t do your sincerity justice. Sets a sort of lump in my throat. Powerful.
If you come to America, I’ll be proud to count you among its residents.
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Thanks Tom. But it doesn’t discount you’re a sentimental goofball as well for having a lump in your throat over my silly late night ramblings. 😉
yan
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I’m not as sentimental as that comment seems. Personal liberties are a hotly contested issue here since dinglenuts GW Bush took office. Seems to me that, increasingly, personal liberty is eroding. So it’s a contemporary issue that I hold near and dear.
But anyway, that was well written. And the lump’s still there. 🙂
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Tom is correct. Lovely writing.
I am a college student who aspires to live the way you have. Keep forging your own path. This is all a person can do.
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Yan,
You cut a wide swath!
A great example for us Mei Guo Ren!
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Your view’s breathtaking. I can understand why you’d miss it.
I’m hoping to get out of Sg soon as possible. Similar dislikes abt some people here. http://lutelite.org/phlog/index.php?p=71
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Your writing is beautiful…as per usual. However, I have always felt the so called constraints of society actually more self-imposed than the environment itself. Born and raised in los angeles, whenever i go back to visit Hong Kong, I wonder what it be like to live there – thinking it would be less restrictive, particularly in the areas of a relationship. It just seems (stictly from an outsider’s pov), that its more open there – although not necessarily regarding lifestyle preference. But i realize its probably more me and how I think people would perceive me than actually is.
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Wow all these people I didn’t know before. Thanks much all.
Yan
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Dear Yan, when you get to Australia, we can meet up and bitch about life.
I’m standing at not only one but multiple crossroads where options are not choices. I love Asia, I love Malaysia and I love Singapore and hope to live in other asian countries if I can afford to. But now, I’m also offered what seems to be a ‘better option’ to live in Australia. At the same time, I couldn’t ditch the “asianness” in me. Not the accent or look. It’s the feeling of living in a country that I could truly call home.
Regardless, you’ve done what you can in improving the life & liberty of your people. I admire you for that. I know how heartbreaking it could be to be away from something you are so familiar with. I’ve been and still is mourning what I’ve left behind for the last 2.9 years. But maybe a breathe of new air away from HK will give you new inspiration.
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Have you ever tried going inside the happyvalley track at night? I wonder what kind of pictures you’ll take there – the view from the track is also pretty nice.
Thanks Yan, your picture made my day.
Borned and raised here – i felt the suffocating atmosphere too with people telling you what kinds of new styles LV just released and girls feeling so shameful about their already 90lbs- bodies and proclaimed to you that they’re FAT.
I had a lecture too – my girlfriend ‘teaching’ me how to control your boyfriend. ‘you have to look into his eyes and tell him that he’s NOT perfect, even if you think that he is’ and ‘you have to tell him that you can always find someone else. He’s not the best available. Again look at his eyes and tell him that.’
I understand that she was being ‘helpful’ to me but my spine chilled when hearing that.
Why can’t we just sit down and be frank to each other how we feel?
Why the moms yell at the kids telling them how dumb and how lazy they are when HK students are already the internationally-renown exam machines?
One day at Pacific Place, having a coffee, I saw a Caucasian lady sitting there, reading a book. Half an hour later you saw her two boys, young but already taller than 6 feet, came to meet her.
They kissed her cheek, in turn. ‘I love you, mom. How’re you d’ing?’ The mom grinned as if she’s seeing thousands of flowers blossoming.
And I recall the HK moms I saw in the public, especially in buses and MTR, yelling their kids and lecturing them in front of everyone.
There’s something wrong here. We’re not being raised in a way that reminds us that we’re loveable. or deserve respects.
Yeah parents here are giving a lot – for their kids to learn piono, to go the Kuman Maths, to play tennis. When we’re in severe deficiency in affection… too much judging and reprimands… who are we becoming?
The irony is that, whenever I leave town for some time, I miss the place. And the people who also see this. I truly love Hong Kong – and believe it is going to be a better place.
One big request – is it possible for me to obtain your picture in real size? I am dying to have it as my wallpaper. Thanks.
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BP: True home. Interesting concept. I am interested in that. Can you tell me more? We can meet for coffee when I am in OZ. Send me an email when I am there.
Cathy,
In terms of HV. I am not sure if you’re allowed photos inside. But I always planned to go outside and take photos of the people. That reminds me.
For the rest. I know exactly exactly what you mean. I feel the same way. Why do we yell at our kids? Once I came back from a long trip away, something like four months away. I got to the airport and in the bathroom this little girl, maybe eleven was running around with her sister. They were really cute. And she slips, falls onto the floor and her mother just starts yelling at her, “You’re so useless, you can’t even walk. Look at you. Say thank you.”
And I ran up the girl and lifted her off the floor. And her mother is like, “Look at you. Needing help…”
and what I wanted to say was, “Well someone has to help your daughter. If you don’t want to. I will.” but I know that would make her get in more trouble. So I ignored the mother, and just asked, “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” and she shook her head. “That’s good. Becareful next time, the floor is really slippery. Even I would have slipped if I wasn’t wearing sneakers.” And patted her on the shoulders. I wouldn’t look at the mother.
When I walked out of the bathroom I called my friend and sat down going, “I can’t take this. I can’t take the pressure. I don’t understand why it’s like this here. I really don’t know if I can cope being back here.” I was so sad. It made me so tired and I wasn’t even back here for more than 15 minutes.
People tell me that’s “Traditional Chinese Culture.” That’s bullshit. They don’t do that in China. I don’t even know if they do that in Taiwan. To some extent I think but not like here.They don’t do that even in the heart of hardcore china towns in the rest of the world.
It’s just crap. It’s a place where people need to put others down to make themselves feel better and even if it’s your kids, that’s okay. It not everyone though, just like it’s not every girl here wants to weigh less that 100lbs. But it’s not uncommon, that’s for sure.
I so know what you mean. People just care way too much about how others see them. It seeps into far too much of their thought process and becomes the number one thing. It’s really disturbing.
Thanks for you reply.
Actually thanks everyone for their reply. I was really worried about putting this up. But I realized that writing down my true thoughts was a positive excercise both for me and others. Will do more of it.
As for the photo. I am going put the negative into doing a film scan, and having it blown up to full size as a photo to print out. Don’t know if you would be interestsed. But that’s all I got for now. But in about two weeks. I would have a better copy. Will you email me then?
Nice to meet you.
Yan
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Otherwise you can click it. It should enlarge. That would be big enough resolution for your wall paper.
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Thanks for your reply (btw I have the same feeling towards hell-o kitty too). Will defintely email you and keep coming back often. Meanwhile, take care.
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Hey I like Kitty! What are you talking about? I just like cutting her up every so often… Oh wait. Were you at the woman conference where I said she was the perfect example of Asian Femininity coz she’s mouthless? It’s true. 🙂
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Hi Yan. Great post.
Perhaps I can add a little to the conversation. My humble opinion about why the chinese parents yell at their kids and tell them how stupid they are, etc…
It happens in western cultures too. European. Mediteranean. Canada. America. I would not classify this as an only chinese phenomena. It’s more like uneducated people of all colors mistreat their children. Alot of stress in the family, finances, marriage, keeping up with the Jones’, etc.
You obviously see it happen alot in asia/HK… because you live there. If I go to the Chinese places in Vancouver, like chinatown or Richmond, I would see it there too. oh… that’s the chinese people. ok. nevermind.
Well, I hope I’m coherent and not jabbering too much. I’ll email you. 🙂
Thanks, you have a great site.
joann
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Hmm… I think you have a very good point in terms of people who happen to be under a lot of stress. It might have not to do with education but when I lived in a pretty rough area in the US it happenned a lot. In fact the kind of violence we see in western cultures do not happen as a rule in Hong Kong.
I was thinking about that today. Just in terms of the lack of violence and safety I live in every day here opposted to how I will feel in the west. Where as a woman you’re pretty much a victim waiting to happen.
But anyway, yes, Hong Kong is a very stressful city. Incredibly, lots of pressure, the standard of living to be quite extreme while the cost of living is the up in the top five in the world mixed with having no minumum wage. Plus politics, immigration, long hours of work, many people travel for work. So the outcome would be yelling at your kids. That combimed with extreme high expectations and a wish that the kids will succeed in order to leave. Adds up.
Great point.
yan
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Oh yeah. I enjoy using hello-kitty as a handy term – oh look – that person is just so hello-kittish…
no i wasn’t that woman. haha but I could be her. 😉
Hey the gate of heavenly peace – I’ve seen that last summer. Such a detailed documentary, especially good for the pre-89 generation. You may be right – I hated chai Ling when I got out from the cinema. But it’s so hard to get a ‘fuller picture’ for people who weren’t that close to the whole thing.
I only had blurry memory retain. Maybe there’s some default configuration pre-installed in all of us, so that we would gradually remember less ills of others and as time goes but, only the good would remain. Think about everything this way, will that make us weak, or better yet, make us strong when we still believe that the world we live in so far is not too bad?
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The world is not too bad. It’s important to believe it’s getting better. Otherwise one goes crazy. I think its getting better. Not so much HK context but I think we continue to fight back so that’s good. We’re making it an issue so that’s improvement.
Well, Chai Ling was 21. I think all her ills are forgivable. I really didn’t like the way they crucified her, there are better people to have done that to Li Peng? Deng? Wen? Why pick on the chick? That’s right, her ex husband is pissed off, the boys are a club and the film maker probably wasn’t too happy she wouldn’t speak. Personal bullshit that shroulded the big picture of who really is a villian.
y
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She didn’t send it the tanks. They did.
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Wow. I would really like to make a good long comment on this entry, because, as a native Californian currently in HK on exchange, you have said so much that resonates with me. But I can’t cuz I have a final paper due tomorrow (and then I’m free!) and I should be writing that instead of reading blogs. Thank you anyways!!!
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Hi… How did you find this??? I haven’t read it for a long time. It really says what I need to say.. and funny as I have been thinking of writing another one of these Letter to the Void things. Good luck with your exams.
yan
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