da Music Issue
Since this time last year, I wanted to do a series on fame, musings on the phenomenon. What it feels like when people you know garner a level of success in their art, and thus become famous or at least semi-famous. How at once I feel an immense joy for them, a sense of pride, but when it hits a higher level, once it’s out of the word of mouth, indie level, and moves to the bigger thing, it brings on a insecurity for me that it feels like hives that is crawling on my skin. How I no longer feel the spontenaity I once had to talk to them, to shower them with my love and encouragement, and the confidence to tell other people how great they are in every way both as a person, and as an artist. Like it makes me hold back, withdraw, and feel really uncomfortable least I am construed to be “jumping on the band wagon.”
I hate those words, I wish my friend never said that to me, as in “I am so sick of people calling me up out of the blue because I know they just want to jump on the band wagon, and get a bit of MTV.”
And how when I heard that, I felt this awful clunk in my heart, and went, “I don’t want that. I just called to see how you were. To congradulate you. I mean I don’t even know who those guys are. I don’t even want to meet them.”
And he said, “No, you should, they are really cool people. really funny.”
“Well I don’t!!!” I whined, “Next time I am in LA, I just want to see you.”
“Okay…. but I would have introduced you anyway. I know you didn’t call to do that, I mean people who I don’t even know.. I know you…right?”
“Yeah. Okay…” I said, We tried to talk for a while, but to no avail, my heart wasn’t there in our conversation anymore and I hung up, pouted, and felt really bad for a really long time.
The story goes on, my feelings morph and changes, and I never wrote the series because I couldn’t quite face myself and how it made me feel.
I still kinda can’t.
But I have been thinking a lot about it for the last few days. A million reasons, all to do with Rockit, and being around bands, musicians, production people, security, and of course standing on the other side of the adoration for the first time, even if it’s not directed at me, but experiencing it from the other side of the barrier.
It’s crazy, and rockit is so so so small compared to how big it can be.
Being up on stage with 3000 people screaming. I was invisible behind a camera, and I felt like I was in a trance. I can’t imagine what it does to the person who everyone is screaming for.
And how like there I was drinking, at the after party and this man leans over and said, “You know I love this! I love this, it’s so nice being surrounded by talent. It’s so special.” and I felt a lump in my throat, and I said, “I thought we were being surrounded by friends.” Well maybe not my direct friends, but friends of friends, and at least some people who were cool, who were doing something fab, and was having a good time. And that I was thinking this was special because all the people there were so normal, kinda just like people I like, with the exception they had a cool job, that i wanted to ask a million questions about. And I felt a little dissappointed at remembering maybe that wasn’t the case, that the fun wasn’t maybe real, it wasn’t about people who got along, but about people wanting to be near fame. And I knew how weird I felt about it, because when that guy, who by all accounts is so very nice leaned on me about a minute later, I jumped back from him, really abruptly, which is so not like me, as I am always much affectionate.
And I found myself lying to someone because they were telling me how it’s crap to be famous because you never know if people liked him or for all the other reasons, and I said, “Oh really? It’s really like that?” When I actually wanted to say, “yeah, I know. and let me guess, some of your friends started acting really weird towards you like you are a different person now, right? because you know, I am one of those friends. And you know why? Coz suddenly I am paraniod that maybe you’re thinking that of me, or at least it’s crossing your mind what my intentions are and everything I say is being sized up. And then once I get that in my head, i start to act really strange, and then you start to feel uncomfortable, and it becomes a mess. And dude, I met you yesterday, you weren’t famous to me at least, but now I know who you are but you were always that way but how do you think I feel when I am on the phone with someone, I was once falling in love with, and start feeling maybe he thinks that’s why I called?”
But of course I didn’t, because he was famous, and in my mind I was turning how that few sentence might be construed in his brain, and whether if he’s gonna feel I am trying to be his friend and walk away, and I think I would be kinda insulted if he did, coz that’s not my intention in the first place, I wanted to chat because it seemed had an interesting life and i like that in people… and some of my normal convo conversations suddenly sound different in this context like, “Cool, yeah, if I finish my film, I totally want new music for it.” “Yeah, i will be in Sydney this X’mas,” “That was a good show.” “So how does that work?”
and it all gets screwy in my brain, even if I know it shouldn’t, so i start to over compensate, coz really at that point I just want to run back to normal people who things don’t seem so complicated yet I know that this coversation would probably be more interesting if I stuck with it and was just normal and unaffected.
Which of course by this point, it’s no longer.
And then I don’t know if I want to apologise or just ignore them from them on.
Which is the mess I knew I would get into.
Yan Sham-Shackleton Online 