Hong Kong
aNNabaNAna’s comment on “flu no bird” :
the weather is kinda fxxked up these days, many of my students are sick too…and all the teachers are required to record our body temperature every single day at school. today my assistant coughed (coz she choked only) once she got into the office, then the receptionist kindly gave her a gift right away — MASK!! *laugh
Reminded me off a piece I wrote during the height of the SARS crisis. I wrote it in such a tone that it took everyone a while to realize I was joking. It all seems so preposterous now that any of this could be taken as anything but a joke but at the time, when there was such panic both here and around the world (How many people in New York cancelled meetings with me for every reason under the sun except that I was from Hong Kong??) it all seemed possible. In fact, a lot of what I wrote did include a nugget of truth in it, because they were “inspired” by real events both experienced by me and my friends and our take on what some of the rubbish media was sprouting, I merely took it all to its logical and unpleasent conclusion.
Enjoy. It’s now (hopefully) just a historical document. 🙂
10 DIES IN LIFT INCIDENT IN CENTRAL
Monday: As fear mounts all over the city. 10 people died in a lift in an office building. 15 people were trapped in sardine like conditions as the temperature increased for over an hour. Due to the lack of ventilation many passed out. One survivor is said to have told police, “We were too scared to touch the button, in case it was infected. I was hoping someone else will. I guess we all thought the same thing.”
SUPERSTAR LESLIE CHEUNG’S DEATH LINKED TO SARS
Tuesday: Superstar Leslie Cheung Plunges to his death at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. Next Magazine claims they have found a link between the pop star’s suicide and the new virus. They claim that the windows of the Hotel’s gym is usually locked but because of patron’s worries, they left it open that day.
TUMBLE ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT
Wednesday: This week, the total number of deaths in public transport has increased to 194 People in 98 separate accidents. The main factor in these accidents is the refusal to hold onto the handrail. The biggest incident occurred on the MTR escalator in Kwun Tong, Tuesday. 43 people including a family of five rolled down the 100 meters long escalator as the father stumbles while holding his 6 bags of rice. 38 others went with them. All were rushed into Kwong Wai Hospital. Where 12 of the patients have since caught SARS. Other incidents have occurred in Ferries, Buses, and Mini Buses all over the city through out the week.
1 DIES, 3 ON RESPIRATOR IN LAN KWAI FONG TRANSMISSION
Thursday: Four drunken expatriates in an attempt find alternatives due to a lack of women to harass, decided to engage in High Risk Activity. A waitress in Bit Point testifies, as the evening passed their actions became increasingly bold. “At first they were just touching surfaces, then they began to rub their eyes, and eventually they began to lick things. At about 4am they began kissing random people on the mouth. It seemed funny at the time. I guess we didn’t take it too seriously.”
HONG KONG WRITER COMES DOWN WITH VIRUS
Friday: Writer Nuri Vitachi has caught the virus. After spamming hundreds of this city’s resident in his poorly thought out, statistically inaccurate attempt to calm the public he disregarded all the health warnings both from this city’s health services and other International Organizations like WHO. He caught the virus by the usual means. “No doubt it could have been prevented, but he thought it was hype.” His doctors reported.
YOUNG WOMEN DIES OF ALCOHOL FUMES
Saturday: A young English women in Cheung Chau, dies after inhaling too much rubbing alcohol. Police Investigation found that in an attempt to sterilize her house after guests came over, she wiped down all surfaces with the disinfectant leaving highly toxic fumes to circulate in her kitchen and bathroom which only had small windows.
CHOKING ON FEAR AND BREAKFAST
Saturday: A young woman choked to death on her breakfast at a Cha Chan Tang in High Street this morning. A piece of bread was lodge in her throat around 10am after ordering her usual club sandwich and ice coffee. However the patrons around her put on their masks and were unwilling to help as they thought her coughing fit was a sign of infection. Poignantly, she was reading an article on new infections of SARS in the paper when it happened. The owner of the restaurant said, “She was just saying how everyone was going to die minutes before it happened.”
MACDONALDS IMPLICATED IN SUFFOCATION DEATHS.
Sunday: MacDonald’s new Happy Meal “We Care” Promotion has caused many youths in this city to die of suffocation. The “masks” were actually soft toys 5 inches thick, that the company decided to add “straps” on the back and market it under the banner “MacDonald Cares About Your Health” Campaign. The International marketing department’s press release says the promotion was an attempt to make the toys “Relevant to Hong Kong” and “Linking a feeling of safety with our Hamburgers.” The spokes person says “We regret the problems our product has caused, and luckily this is not the US as we would be sued senseless otherwise.”
USA BOMBS CHINA
Monday: CNN Broadcasts a quick speech by President Bush minutes before launching an attack on the PRC “We are going to Bomb the heck out of that country over there somewhere, because we have indisputable evidence that China has unleashed biological weapons on its own population. Otherwise why would they all be sick?”
Yan Sham-Shackleton Online 